My fourth blog

and so life goes on. life is so glorious, so beautiful in every way. and even when life is rough, harder than anything and everything could ever be, its still gorgeous. its the beauty of making your own decisions, even for someone who cant make decisions (someone like me), its great to know the option is still there. it hurts a lot. like making a decision that you know will hurt someone else; what i had the glory of doing today. and im not exactly sure how i feel about it, all i know is that i hurt him. Badly. but for the last 6 months of the relationship, i had nothing from him. i put myself through hell and back just so he would be happy. and the only time i was happy was when he was happy. i could've won the freaking lottery, but if he was sad that day, i couldn't enjoy my happiness one bit. today (or yesterday if you want to be all technical with time and all) i decided to be selfish for the first time in a long time. i decided to tell him no. i wont let him call it abuse, i wont let anyone call it abuse, because it wasn't abuse, i cared deeply for him and being miserable with him was better than being happy without him. but so much happened after we broke up that i just can't believe him anymore when he says he still loves me. it doesn't matter. if he still loved me, then none of any of this would've happened. we would've been happy and together like he wanted, like i use to want. and maybe i still want it, im not sure. either way, right now, i have someone who wants to be with me, be there for me. he wants me to be happy. and best part is, he doesn't want to commit suicide. for once, i have attracted a decent guy that i am really really into that doesn't want to kill himself. he isnt battling depression. he's been through a lot of shit like i have, and he is ok; like i am ok. is it so wrong to want to be with someone like this? he's not attached to his computer like it was a third arm or he doesnt speak in wacko terms for simple things that i can't understand. just wow. i am so blown away by him. he's the very reason i am still up right now. i can't sleep im so giddy and happy and just feeling----i can't even describe what i'm feeling. it's so pure and infinate, too good to be true and yet so real. it's as though i am floating, so light and free. i have no real thoughts other than smiling or what he said to me last. i just, i have a smile on my face but i keep bursting into tears. what is going on?

5:38am